Competition entries - some of the silly ones!

There were over 250 entries to this competition on Accessify, and not surprisingly, there were quite a few funnies in there. Here is just a selection of some of the more bizarre entries received:

Homeless

I'm a web developer living off the streets and typically spend my time in alleys and shop entrances smelling strongly of alcohol & p***. In working hours I create websites for the local community (Nike, Mycrosoft, Sony, Apple) using shared library computers. My web design skills are the best in the neighborhod but I suffer from getting friggin cold in the nite - especially in these winter months.

Send me one of your books so that I can use the pages to keep warm?

B, I and BR are my friends

I desperately need your book. I do have a website, but it is stuck firmly in 1998. I know little of HTML (B, I, BR are my friends) and I'm in danger of falling prey to bad code. My site is infested with tables. Please, save me from tables. I watched your video about your new book and you sounded quite firm about the evil of tables. The tone of your voice quite frightened me, actually. I have friends using Netscape 4.6 who hate me because my tables don't work for them. I've wanted to befriend CSS for awhile, but can't find a way to learn it that works for me. I've poked around the 'net, but there is really no simple step-by-step. Plus I seem to be one of those old-fashioned girls who just needs to sit with a ink-spattered dead tree in her lap to properly absorb the information. It's the coldest it's been here in 12 years (-11F) and a walk to the library 5 miles in the knee-deep snow would be dangerous. Having a book arrive in my mailbox at the end of my ice-covered driveway is so much safer. If something happened to me, who would feed my handicapped dog?

Please save me from sporting a large bruise on my forehead from banging my head on my desk in frustration with updating my site. I googled "help me with my website I'm an idiot" and found your book. Surely that's a sign.

So why don't I just buy it? This is being sent to you on a 6 year old iMac via DSL (which is actually cheaper than dial-up here, go figure). I can't even afford to update my also 6 year old cellphone which is now surviving only with an friend's donated battery (they bought an iPhone) held in with Quake-Wax. It doesn't text OR have a camera. Much of me is apparently outdated; a tiny glimmer of hope exists for updating my site if I can do that myself. I've been underemployed since I got laid off during the dot-com bubble burst in 2001. I used to design book covers for some of those bad HTML references... obviously that publisher must've realized too late that they weren't the shining example of educational material that yours surely is. Maybe if I can spiff up my site more good things would come my way.

The knife-weilding psycho [note the final line!]

seriously. i've got the knife out. i stole it from outback steakhouse. it's pretty dull and more or less just a serrated butter knife with a wooden handle. it's not very intimidating, but it'ill get the job done, i'm sure. i mean, when it comes to cutting through flesh, it's almost more fun if the knife is dull, right? just put some elbow grease into it...unless, of course, you're cutting your elbow off. but who would do that? not that it would hurt that much if someone did. (elbow skin is the least sensitive skin on the body. ask someone to try to bite through yours. you won't even feel it. seriously.) anyway, that's my big plan. i'm going to sit here, staring at my inbox and playing lexulous until you respond and tell me that my book is on the way.

but if i don't hear from you by midnight on groundhog day, i'm going to grab that damn blade and a handle of jack daniels and sit myself down in front of my bedroom's full-length mirror. then i'm going to start drinking and slicing and thinking about how if it weren't for that third-rate web dude, ian lloyd, i'd have a full life ahead of me. i mean, come on, even wikipedia refuses list you alongside the four of your namesakes who have actually accomplished something with their lives. and i'll just keep stabbing and cutting and drinking and bleeding until i'm either too drunk to remember what i'm doing, or i'm to dead to keep going. and all of this will be because of you and your refusal to send me a free copy of your damn book that will teach me everything i need to know about building my first website, which i'll use to promote my child daycare business.

Downward spiral and missing a kidney

Recently I lost my job and am now having to find a new way to make a living. I had been working as a male stripper but after a horrible pole dancing accident, both my umm, family jewels were bruised to the point that I could not walk. The doctors say they may have to be removed. As a result of the accident I have to get a job that allows me to sit so I can put my ‘jewels’ into a specially crafted medical groin sling.

Also, as a result of the accident I am unable to have sex with my girl friend so she left me. I was so depressed I forgot to feed my dog. He ended up getting so hungry he bit me and since I had to get stitches, the hospital called the police who have taken him and he is going to be put to sleep. That deepened my depression to the point where I had to increase my dosage of anti-depressants. I didn’t realize that between the anti-depressants and the allergy medication I take that it was too many things in my blood system for my kidneys and liver to remove all the toxins and now I am on a waiting list to receive both.

I am desperately trying to learn HTML and web design so that while I am connected to the dialysis machine I can try to improve my life. You have the ability to help me do just that. With your book, it would be like gaining a new lease on life and being able to once again look forward to waking up in the mornings. If you can find it in your heart to help me out, I would really appreciate it. If not, I understand and I pray that God blesses you even if you decide to pretty much condemn me to a life barely worth keeping. If you decide I’m not worthy of a copy of your book, would you at least consider donating a kidney?

Humper [Simple and to the point!]

If I were a dog, I'd hump your leg for a copy of your book.

Doorstop

I REALLY need a copy of your book about, uh, whatever it is you're giving away. I had been using a fruitcake for the door stop but mice finally did it in and if the bathroom door slams shut with noone in there we'll never get it open again.

Unsatisfying blow-up dolls

You would fill me forever with gratitude if you chose to bless with a free copy of your book. I've been attempting to breathe life into my own site ... Instead of breathing life into it, I've had to resort to a blow-up site from WordPress - like their blow-up doll counterparts, it does the job, but just leaves you feeling a little unsatisfied (and dirty).

Spontaneous combustion

Because I had bought one copy of every Sitepoint book ever published and my dog ate them. And then my dog spontaneously combusted. And now there is a little pile of dog-ash where he once stood.

And that was a year ago and now I have a mortgage and can't afford to buy one... but will promise to give it to someone who can really really really use it :)

Seething about the boss

Because if I don't learn how to build a website and start my own business then I'll probably kill my boss. I am a Marketing Professional and last year I developed a simple but brilliant marketing strategy that saw our sales explode with almost no additional expenses. My boss (the owner of the company) went from making $10,000 a month to $40,000 a week.

[Cut description of what happened at work ...]

I now spend my days at work devising painful ways to murder him. My biggest concern is not getting caught, but that another employee might kill him first.

I think I need to channel my energies into a constructive project like building a website. So if you don't give me this book then you'll be an accessory to murder. I hope you can live with that.

Escaped from the nut-house

Back to the world of very odd again:

I to be wanting book copy of yours' called 'Do It Right you dumb ass'. I can't do it right or left unless I get a copy of your book. The name of the book escapes me. Speaking of escape, I just did that, escape that is, from the nearby but not too far away place where I should be right or left now. I left, therefore I am not there but here. Well, not literally here. I could never fit in or on an e-mail.

Have you ever read the book, "Build Your Own Web Site the Right Way with HTML & CSS". I heard that it is suppose to be pretty good. Speaking of pretty good, that reminds me of when my father would throw a stick and I would run and bring it back to him in my teeth. He would always pat me on my head and say, "Good boy". No, that was my dog Sparky. We called him Sparky because that was his name.

Well, I have to get back into my iron lung because I might need to use it someday and it sure would help to know the correct way to use it. Speaking of using it, I sure could use a copy of your book, Build Your Own Web Site the Right Way with HTML & CSS. I could possibly learn something from it since I was home-schooled. Home schooling wasn't too bad. The hardest part was choosing if I should take my Mom or my sister to the prom. I took them both and they took me. That was a week that I will never forget.

Squirrel fancier

After careful consideration of the necessity of owning, first hand, a copy of you book I've decided it best to submit an entry into your contest. First I believe it is necessary to explain in detail why I am deserving of such a generous gift. You see it all began with a little squirrel.

The squirrel in question was no ordinary squirrel but one of great annoyance due to the fact that it was living in my attic. It had taken up residence there following the replacement of the roof that previous summer. The fact of the matter is this is not a terribly uncommon occurrence. According to local squirrel expert John C Paulmore, squirrels are quite fragile creatures who are very sensitive to even mild weather conditions. Thus, the particular squirrel in question was only acting upon it's instinct to live and stay warm and had no ill will towards myself or my family; to my great relief I might add. This squirrelly fact is also why you see squirrels traveling from tree to tree; rather than the commonly believed notion that they are in search of food, they are actually in search of the elusive tree that provides such great shelter that they may setup a home there and raise a squirrel family properly.

After hearing of the sensitivity of squirrels to the constantly changing weather conditions I now understood the reason the squirrel had setup home in my attic. It was clear to me that I did not want to merely send it on it's way because it may very well die due to it's sensitive nature. It drove me to come up with a solution to my squirrelly problem that would be both suitable to myself and the squirrel. Thus the idea was born: squirreldominiums.

Squirreldominiums were the prefect shelters for squirrels. They provided a warm, safe, secure place for squirrels to reside in peace. They also had a fully functional living accommodations as expected in a human condominiums only smaller. Some even came with a wet bar; you never know when a squirrel might have wanted to throw a party and get a little crazy with his squirrel buddies. But alas squirreldominiums were never to come into realization due to the fact that I possessed poor web skills at a time critical to the investment in squirreldominiums.

You see I had banded together with a number of other people who also had squirrels living in their attics. Once aquatinted I realized that the majority of them felt the same way about their squirrel problem as I did and wanted a solution. I took initiative to step forward and offer my idea to the group and they confirmed my proposal for squirreldominiums unanimously. This bolstered my confidence and I decided it a good idea to launch squirreldominiums into the public domain. It was my intention to bring squirreldominiums to the masses via the world wide web hopefully starting a frenzy among investors and contractors for the building of new squirreldominiums the world over.

Squirreldominiums were going to be to go down in history.

I set out quickly to create the website, first scratching out my ideas on paper. Unfortunately, once it came time to put the shovel to the dirt and start to code the site I quickly became aware of the fact that I severely lacked the skills and proper technique involved to assemble a website capable of driving my squirreldominium frenzy. I labored feverously for hours and hours but the final result was a poorly designed site, without the oomph it needed to grab peoples attention. It didn't even excite my dog (who loves to chase squirrels). As a result, squirreldominiums never got the funding they really deserved. The group of people I had originally banded together with abandoned my cause a short time thereafter. It was partly due to the fact that my squirreldominiums webpage did so poorly and partly because we all found out that John C Paulmore was really just a crazy bum that lived in the park 3 blocks down. Thus, it was rather unlikely that squirrels were really as sensitive as he had originally had us believe.

If you were to ask me if I had any regrets over squirreldominiums I'd tell you that I only have one: I regret not having the proper foundation in HTML to market squirreldominiums to their full potential. Therefore my plea to you is to consider me as a candidate for your free book give away and make sure this tragedy never happens again. Think of the squirrels...

Scandinavian scandal

Most valued honorable Sir Ian Lloyd.

I'm trying to teach my 17 motherless children (aged between 1 and 34) English so that they all will become successful IT businessmen and -women. Your divine book seems ideal for the purpose, since it is grammatically and logically consistent, but the inflation here is Zimbabwean and we can only afford military rations from World War II. Your Nobel-price worthy book was our only wish for Christmas, but unfortunately Santa Claus overlooked our humble cottage, that is hanging on a crumbling cliff on the shores of the Polar Sea. His reindeers even wrecked the roof, and now the bitterly cold polar wind is blowing right through. Your awe-inspiring writing will teach and entertain the whole family for a long time, and we also hope it will inspire our only cow to give some milk for the youngest kids. When your masterpiece has been mentally digested it might be digested once more by being turned into porridge for the starving family. We might also burn it in the stove and get the new millenniums first lukewarm meal, or it could be used to repair the roof.

But - even considering our poverty - we feel that your work of art should be donated to charity. Please send our sorely needed copy to a severely consistency-challenged person. We would suggest missionary Bill Gates who has been struggling for many years to rid the Windows jungle of the most glaring logical errors, such as the Start button, which is used to close the system down. We feel that he has been struggling bravely, but in vain, for too long among fiercely hostile tribes, and should have the opportunity to read your enlightening work and maybe - just maybe - contemplate a little.

Oh - the mail has just being delivered by dog sledge (the last time was about three years ago) and we now learn that Bill Gates has been assigned a less challenging job. Considering this we think that we might again qualify for a copy.

With humble regards
Bitten, Broadbandy, Dothea, Slasha, Bracket, Smiley, Dotcom, Webba, Enter, Mouseanne, Spacebart, Ramma, Pascal, Cursora, Emailia, Online, little Ian (named after you!) and their virtual father
Sven Korsgaard
Last resort 13
Spitsbergen

Desk-propper-up

I really need this book because my desk's left leg is shorter than the right one. I measure the difference between them and this books size is perfect for that goal, man. If you can deliver this book to me, my desk and I will appreciate very much.

Smelly

My pregnant wife craves the smell of SitePoint books and my loocal bookstore just ran out.

Abducted by aliens

I have been a software developer for the past 10 years and have learned a lot about developing web sites and correctly using CSS. The problem I have is that I have recently been abducted by fierce aliens capable of walking on the surface of the monster star Canis Majoris. I was on one of their ships, undergoing an experiment, the nature of which I am too horrified to mention, when they were attacked by a warring faction from an adjacent galaxy!

Our ships main reactor malfunctioned as a result from indirect hit from one of the attacking warships. The end result is that they had to abort with the experiment halfway through the procedure which resulted in me loosing all my previous programming knowledge ( and some parts of my anatomy ) . I have just barely learned to type again and would appreciate it if I could get a book to speed up my recovery process.

Should I be abducted again, I will at least be able to share the correct knowledge, gained from studying your book, with the rest of the universe.